The Twinkie Apocalypse Is Nigh
by Red Witch
Summary: The economy takes another hit on the favorite snack of several mutants we know.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters or delicious snack cakes is coming down off a sugar rush. What would certain X-Men characters do in the face of one of their most beloved snack foods being gone forever? **

**The Twinkie Apocalypse Is Nigh **

"Okay now I just have to get the spare flame throwers so I can upgrade the new Danger Room," Logan said as he went to one of the storage rooms on the lower levels of the Xavier Mansion. "What the…?"

There were boxes and robotic parts littering the hallway. "What is all the spare Danger Room equipment doing in the hallway?" Logan blinked. "There's more junk here than at the Brotherhood house. Okay, whose idea was this?"

"Make way! Coming through!" Jamie called out. Logan jumped to the side as a dozen Multiples walked by carrying small boxes. "Sorry Logan!" They went into the storage room down the hallway.

BAMPH!

"Oh sorry Wolverine," Kurt said. He had teleported right next to him and was carrying a large box. "I got another box!" He went into another storage room.

"Some days I should really learn not to ask stupid questions like that," Logan grumbled as he waved away the brimstone smell.

"Coming through! I got some!" Sam called out as he walked by carrying a smaller box. "It's not much but it was the last one they had!"

"Good Sam put it in Storage Room 3," Hank called out. "Every little bit helps!"

"Oh what new round of insanity has this nuthouse cooked up now?" Logan grumbled as he went to talk to Hank. "Beast? What the flamin' hell is going on here? Why are all the Danger Room parts and equipment out in the hallway?"

"Sorry Logan but we needed the space," Hank was in his battle uniform looking over some papers attached to a clipboard. "This an emergency." The storage room was filled with boxes.

"What kind of emergency?" Logan asked.

"The worst kind of emergency imaginable," Hank said in a grave voice.

"What? A sentinel attack? Some kind of mutant repression bill?" Logan asked.

"Worse than that," Hank sighed. "Perhaps this is what that Mayans referred too in their predictions of doom and destruction for the year 2012?"

"What? What happened?" Logan asked. "Hank you're starting to freak me out! What's going on?"

"Logan brace yourself," Hank took a breath. "Have you seen the news the past few days?"

"No," Logan shook his head. "What happened? Hank? What could be so bad to bring all this on? And what are these boxes filled of anyway?"

"Hope Logan," Hank said. "Hope in these dark troubled times."

"Beast will you cut the melodramatic crap and tell me what happened?" Logan barked.

"The Hostess Factory has officially shut down," Hank sighed.

"What?" Logan raised an eyebrow.

"The last official Twinkie has been made," Hank said. "They may never make them again."

"Twinkies?" Logan asked.

"Twinkies," Hank nodded.

"Twinkies as in…The little snack cakes with the creme filling?" Logan asked.

"Exactly," Hank said. "I've been having the X-Men scour every supermarket, convenience store, pastry shop and what have you to find every remaining Twinkie available."

"So all these boxes are…?" Logan pointed.

"Twinkies. And some other assorted snack products," Hank pointed. "Storage Room 4 has the Ding Dongs. Five has coffee cakes and Ho Ho's. We're converting Storage Room 3 into the cupcake and snowball storage. But the rest are for Twinkies."

"I see…" Logan nodded. He then turned around and began to walk away. "**CHUCK**! WE NEED TO TALK!"

"Don't bother Wolverine," Hank said. "Charles left for a conference this morning with Ororo."

"An **actual** conference or a '_conference_'," Logan turned around and made quotation marks with his hands. "You know? The ones we take at Harry's Hideaway Bar when the kids drive us crazy?"

"A real conference," Hank said. "In Washington DC."

"And does Charles know what you are doing here?" Logan asked.

"He knows we're storing supplies," Hank said. "That's all he said he wanted to know."

"It figures," Logan groaned. He saw Scott walk in with a box followed by Lance and Todd who were also carrying boxes. "What are they doing here? Don't tell me you got the Brotherhood involved in this too?"

"Okay we won't tell you," Todd quipped.

"Quicksilver got these boxes from a Wal-Mart in Connecticut," Lance said. "He's running around the East Coast to see what else he can find."

"Did he buy them or steal them?" Hank asked.

"We didn't ask. He didn't tell," Todd remarked.

"Well then I guess it is possible he didn't steal them then…" Hank sighed.

"Hank…" Logan glared at Hank.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Hank told him.

"Okay I get why the Brotherhood are doing this," Logan sighed. "That's a given. But Scott? How did they talk **you** into this? You're the last guy I thought would take part in this insanity!"

"Actually I'm kind of a Ding Dong fan," Scott admitted with a shrug. "So you know…?"

"Well you are what you eat," Lance smirked.

"Then you must eat a ton of stupid every day!" Scott snapped at him.

"Just to further punish myself I'm going to ask this question," Logan let out a breath. "Does Magneto know you're here?"

"Know it? He offered to pay Beast just to get Pietro out of his hair," Todd scoffed. "The rest of us are a bonus."

"We made a deal to share the Twinkie supply and they get some other groceries in exchange for their labors," Hank explained.

"And by labors do you mean Blob eating all the food?" Logan quipped.

"For your information Mr. Dukes is now the head of our Twinkie Research Division," Hank sniffed haughtily.

"Twinkie Research Division?" Logan was stunned. "Am I in the Twilight Zone or something?"

"I didn't believe it at first either but it turns out it was a good idea," Scott said as he and the others put the boxes down. "Blob's family has had a homemade recipe for Twinkies for over three generations. It's not bad either."

"Just needs a little tweaking to get that creme filling just right," Todd nodded. "The cake part is really good. Better than the original actually."

"It is," Lance nodded. Scott nodded in agreement.

Logan looked at Scott. "They promised to do Ding Dongs next," Scott told him. "How could I say no?"

"Come! I'll show you our crack research team," Hank made a motion and they all followed him.

"Might as well," Logan said. "I just saw the cracks in your brain!"

They made their way to the kitchen where Fred was in a lab coat and goggles. He was studying a beaker in his hand. "Hmmm…" He dipped his finger into the beaker and tasted the contents. "Still not frothy enough! More vanilla!"

"Along with Blob we have Pyro, Rogue, Magma and Wanda as our crack Twinkie Research Staff," Hank introduced. Everyone was working on baking or measuring ingredients. In addition there was a huge chalkboard with a Twinkie design and lots of scribbles diagraming the picture.

"Okay I know Rogue and Amara like to cook and anything with fire would attract Pyro," Logan said. "But Wanda I gotta know how you got roped into this?"

"They needed someone to make sure Blob didn't eat all our research and Pyro didn't burn the kitchen down," Wanda explained. "Besides it was better than being paired up with Kitty."

"Wait, Kitty isn't a part of this is she?" Logan began to get nervous.

"Oh no," Hank shook his head. "We put her in delivery. Much safer."

SCREEECH!

CRASH!

"KITTY HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO WAIT FOR THE GATE INSTEAD OF PHASING THROUGH IT?" Jean was heard screaming.

"IT'S FASTER MY WAY! TIME IS TWINKIES!" Kitty shouted back. "BESIDES IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DENT!"

"Still safer than having her cook," Hank shrugged.

"That's a given," Logan sighed.

"And that is why I chose to be in the kitchens," Wanda said. "Much safer."

"Especially when Kitty is not in it," Pyro said.

"Yeah I'd take Blob and the Pyromaniac over being stuck in a car with Kitty any day," Rogue agreed.

"A weekend in the Gaza Strip would be safer than riding in a car with Kitty any day," Logan remarked.

"We're making great strides in our recipe," Fred told them. "I just got the e-mail from my baker cousin Duke Dukes and he sent some nice variations from his recipe. Of course we can't use the bourbon flavoring for obvious reasons…"

"Your cousin's name is **Duke **Dukes?" Logan did a double take.

"Yeah. What's wrong with that?" Fred gave him a look.

"Nothing. Nothing at all," Logan groaned. "So in addition to hunting down Twinkies and trying to recreate Twinkies, you're all studying Twinkies? What the hell is it with Twinkies and you people?"

"Twinkies are a part of Americana, just as much as apple pie and baseball," Hank gave him a look.

"I'm Canadian Hank," Logan gave him a look.

"So what? I'm Australian and I love Twinkies!" Pyro said proudly. "They're so tasty and they really go well with barbecue sauce!"

"**Barbecued** Twinkies?" Logan was stunned.

"It actually tastes better than you think," Hank shrugged. "But Twinkies are a part of our heritage that we must preserve at all costs!"

"What did Mommy give you a Twinkie every day so you wouldn't feel bad that the other kids picked on you at school?" Logan asked sarcastically.

"Yes she did! And what was wrong with a mother showing a child some love and affection?" Hank snapped.

"It's that kind of love and affection that led to one of the highest obesity rates in the world," Logan snorted.

"Why do you hate Twinkies?" Rogue gave him a look. "What did they ever do to you?"

"Nothing! They're just snack cakes!" Logan snapped.

"Just _**snack cakes**_?" Hank's voice rose. "_**Just**_ snack cakes? What kind of…I don't even know if I can reason with you!"

"It's a real low down dirty kind of dude that doesn't like Twinkies yo," Todd gave Logan a look.

"For once I am in agreement with him," Scott pointed to Todd. "And you know if you lose the moral high ground to Toad that is not a good thing!"

"Moral high…? Have you all lost your **minds?**" Logan barked.

"Have you lost yours? If the Zombie Apocalypse or the end of the world comes you know those suckers may be the only things keeping us from starvation!" Pyro spoke up.

"Pyro, maybe you shouldn't talk for a while?" Wanda sighed.

"I can see what's going to happen," Logan groaned. "You're all going to go crazy just so The Blob can stuff his face!"

"I'm not going to eat **all **of them," Fred sneered. "On E-Bay Twinkies are going at two thousand dollars a cake! This could be my retirement plan!"

"This could be all our retirement plans," Lance added.

"I'm getting a new bike with my cut," Rogue spoke up.

"You do realize that Twinkies last so long is that they have some of the same ingredients as hair gel and rocket fuel?" Logan gave them a look.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pyro gave him a look.

"Pyro, please…" Wanda sighed.

"Yes please! Please wake up your brain cells…What little few some of you have," Logan glared at the Brotherhood. "And think for a minute? Especially you Hank! I expect this kind of stupidity from them but not you! Of all the crap we mutants have to worry about, your mind is on Twinkies?"

"I like Twinkies," Hank frowned.

"We all like Twinkies," Rogue said. "Except for Wolverine."

"Twinkie hater," Todd glared at him.

"This cannot get any stupider," Logan groaned.

"Okay Gambit got the goods," Remy swaggered in with a box. "Had to track that shipment down across five states but Gambit got it."

"And here's the icing on the cake!" Logan threw up his hands. "Literally! I should have known Gumbo would get dragged into this!"

"Hey what good is knowing a professional thief if you're not going to use him?" Rogue asked. "To get baked goods anyway."

"All right! Ding Dongs!" Scott whooped as he opened the box. "Oh and Chocodiles too. Sweet!"

"That's it," Logan groaned. "Blob can you get your cousin for me? I'd like a batch of those bourbon liquor Twinkies. Now!"


End file.
